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How to Find a Domme - Long Advice

How to find a owner


I have been looking for awhile but I have had difficulty finding a domme that wants a 24/7 tpe life time slave. Do you know of a good way to find one?
This is going to be a long one. Before I even begin, let me point out that there is no cheat code to magically get yourself a partner, let alone a domme with whom you will be mutually happy with forever.

First off: You seem (from the little I’ve seen of you) to not be meshing the fact that your fantasy is also a lifetime partnership. You wouldn’t look for a spouse by saying ‘I’m looking for someone to move in with and combine finances with and then marry so we can be together forever.’ No, you would tell them what you’re looking for in a partner, what you bring to a relationship, and the fact that you are hoping to find someone you can eventually marry.

And still before bringing up how-tos, that “eventually” is important. You should not ever just jump into 24/7. It is dangerous for both you and your partner, and it leaves very little possibility for a healthy kink driven relationship.

All the stuff about communicating with people and posting personals here (under ‘Using the Personals Forum’) applies, even if you are looking on other websites. As well as that, please read the FAQ. While you’re at it, you should also read the responses to your post here, to get an idea what is wrong dangerous with overzealous, inexperienced people. I would like to assume that since it has been nearly a year, you have learned since then, but on the other hand, you never did reply to my PM or to the thread after that, so I don’t know if you did.

Alright then, on to how to find someone. I really think you need to consider what you are looking for.

If you are looking for a relationship wherein you are only a play partner and ‘slave,’ you probably should not be looking into 24/7, because it would be a burden to both you and your Mistress to have you living together, sharing groceries, possibly not working, just to fulfill a kink of yours.

If you are primarily looking for a relationship where you can share a BDSM dynamic, learn about different kinds of play and submission, and bond with someone, you still shouldn’t be starting off with 24/7, and you should probably not be trying to be a complete slave until you’ve learned more.

If you’re looking for a relationship to last the rest of your life, for better or worse, but kink is important to you, you should probably focus more on finding someone who complements your life well (in every way outside of kink as well as kink), then focus on figuring out what BDSM dynamic works between you.

Based on your personal and your post here, it sounds like you want to go straight into 24/7. While I again will reiterate that this is a dangerous, bad idea (and not in a fun, risky, kinky way), you must also realize that this means you are asking someone to devote most of their time to you, a complete stranger, who just walked up and asked to be their slave. There are very few reasons anyone would accept that offer, and the reasons one would are almost certainly abusive. This is where I will again suggest you read the FAQ.

Basically, I’m saying you need to re-think what you want.

As to the answer to your specific question- there is no one way to find a partner, for any of those things.

Collarme, Fetlife (in personals groups), OkCupid, local events/munches (find through google, Fetlife, and local clubs), and at vanilla activities you enjoy are all good places to look for someone.

Again, what will apply most depends what you’re looking for: kink to get your rocks off? OkC, CM, and maybe Fet. Kink to learn? Fet, CM, and munches. A ‘forever’ relationship with kink? Munches, activities, and maybe the websites. Whatever the case, there’s no problem with using all of those, or with only picking some, although if you ever complain about not having luck, you’d better be using them all.

Once you meet a domme you’re interested in, you’ll have to prove yourself a bit, as you would beginning any relationship, but especially a power exchange one. Although she may do it in a less obvious way, the domme you speak to should also be ‘proving’ herself as far as what she brings to a relationship.

On your end- Why should she want you as a sub? That shouldn’t be a list of all the things you want, it should be your skills and personality and so forth, otherwise you come across as a ‘do me!’ sub (that is, a sub topping from the bottom who just wants a dom/me to do what it wants so they can get off, not to actually be pleasing).

Of course, your wants and needs are just as important as your domme’s- you just shouldn’t act as though your needs are why she should be interested. Most people do not want to date someone only to fulfill their needs, and if they are dominant, the probability of disinterest in that will multiply.

If you’re looking for something long term, take your time. No one finds a life partner in a day. Even if you’re looking for something short term or casual, take your time and don’t rush the other party. Whatever happens, remember SSC/RACK/PRICK, remember what ‘consent’ means, and how it applies to both you and your domme, and that you and her both always have the right to end the relationship, or even end the communication preceding a relationship, and that if she makes that choice, you need to act like an adult and move on, and if you make that choice, you can block her and take any precautions for your safety needed if she keeps contacting you (just as she should if you keep bothering her).

Don’t contact someone outright with sexual fantasies.

Do read their profile before contacting them (if the contact is online), do read and respect their messages, do respect their other partners even if the polyamory means taking your interest and leaving.

There are many threads on Fetlife and the internet in general about the red flags a msub can give a domme when contacting her; I think you should try to figure those out if you want to increase your success rate (as well as figure out why they are wrong. If you only avoid it for form’s sake, they will be able to tell, not to mention that they are all more than impolite).

These often overlap with abuse red flags: push for quick involvement, push for committment, apparent mood swings, etc, but also tend to include immediate sexual or power exchange fantasy or attempt, addressing her disrespectfully (disrespectful= as anything other than what she has indicated her preference is. If her preference is pigheaded (‘Mistress Goddess of the World’) and makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn’t be contacting her anyway, and you should probably take that as a red flag yourself. It has always been a bad sign when mdoms insist everyone else call them Sir/Lord/Master. If she hasn’t indicated a preference, just use the name she introduced herself with or her username, whichever fits the situation), overly generic messages that sound like they’ve been spammed to many women, and subs immediately prostrating them before them.

And overall, be honest about who you are and what you want. Only do what you are comfortable with, and respect her right to be the same.
If I screwed something up here, feel free to politely tell me or critique this. Then I can edit it for him, or you could add your own commentary to the forum. In any case, I’d rather know ‘hey, that’s wrong because [logical reason],’ than find out that suddenly people think I’m encouraging some strange, dangerous behaviour.
All posts referenced are public.
love-in-transit:



50 Shades of Abuse Flyer - Canada
Use, redistribute, print. 
Click image and magnify for large version.

Wanna know the BDSM mantra? Safe, sane, consensual.
So let me explain why this book was devoid of all three of these things.
Safe - In the first few chapters of the novel, Christian Grey tracks Ana’s cell phone to find her at a club. Takes her home when she’s drunk, changes her when she’s so intoxicated she doesn’t remember him doing so,and informs her he will be keeping tabs on her for her own benefit. This is not the behaviour of a respectable Dominant. This is the behaviour of a power hungry, abusive asshole who really can’t take no for an answer.
Sane - One of the most important parts of BDSM is aftercare. Scenes can be extremely traumatizing and intense for the submissive. Aftercare is anything from petting to cuddling to holding to sweet talking, whatever degree of gentleness a bottom would need to pull them out of “subspace”. How does Christian provide aftercare? He submits Ana to a traumatizing first time spanking experience AND THEN FUCKING LEAVES. AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE WAS UPSET. He’s the one who should fucking know better! That, again, is not the act of a responsible Dominant. It’s the act of a selfish abuser.
Consensual - Did I mention he undressed her when she was belligerently drunk? Tracked her phone to locate her? He also buys her a new car despite her saying no countless times. Now, consent is important for any kind of sexual activity at all. Consent means informed, consent means enthusiastic. Informed, enthusiastic consent. This is crucial in a BDSM setting. Scenes can be extremely intense, especially for the bottom. What is Christian’s form of obtaining consent? Handing Ana a fucking contract highlighting all the things he wants to do her asshole and asking her to sign it. She was a virgin (Don’t even get me fucking started.) who had never before been exposed to BDSM. Entering in that kind of relationship takes a gargantuan amount of trust and knowledge so you know exactly what you’re getting into. Not reading a list of kinks on a piece of paper and signing your rights to say no away. Christian didn’t offer her resources, he didn’t offer her information. He gave her an ultimatum. That is not the sort of consent a responsible Dom/me would seek from their submissive.
Fuck. This. book. It’s written in a shitty way, it’s a terrible example of a BDSM relationship (ask anybody already involved in the lifestyle and watch them go blue in the face just thinking about it), which is already faced with enough prejudice and misunderstanding, and it romanticizes and glorifies abuse.

every time I have to process this shit at work I want to deface it and tell the world that it’s propagating harmful bullshit

love-in-transit:

50 Shades of Abuse Flyer - Canada

Use, redistribute, print. 

Click image and magnify for large version.

Wanna know the BDSM mantra? Safe, sane, consensual.

So let me explain why this book was devoid of all three of these things.

Safe - In the first few chapters of the novel, Christian Grey tracks Ana’s cell phone to find her at a club. Takes her home when she’s drunk, changes her when she’s so intoxicated she doesn’t remember him doing so,and informs her he will be keeping tabs on her for her own benefit. This is not the behaviour of a respectable Dominant. This is the behaviour of a power hungry, abusive asshole who really can’t take no for an answer.

Sane - One of the most important parts of BDSM is aftercare. Scenes can be extremely traumatizing and intense for the submissive. Aftercare is anything from petting to cuddling to holding to sweet talking, whatever degree of gentleness a bottom would need to pull them out of “subspace”. How does Christian provide aftercare? He submits Ana to a traumatizing first time spanking experience AND THEN FUCKING LEAVES. AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE WAS UPSET. He’s the one who should fucking know better! That, again, is not the act of a responsible Dominant. It’s the act of a selfish abuser.

Consensual - Did I mention he undressed her when she was belligerently drunk? Tracked her phone to locate her? He also buys her a new car despite her saying no countless times. Now, consent is important for any kind of sexual activity at all. Consent means informed, consent means enthusiastic. Informed, enthusiastic consent. This is crucial in a BDSM setting. Scenes can be extremely intense, especially for the bottom. What is Christian’s form of obtaining consent? Handing Ana a fucking contract highlighting all the things he wants to do her asshole and asking her to sign it. She was a virgin (Don’t even get me fucking started.) who had never before been exposed to BDSM. Entering in that kind of relationship takes a gargantuan amount of trust and knowledge so you know exactly what you’re getting into. Not reading a list of kinks on a piece of paper and signing your rights to say no away. Christian didn’t offer her resources, he didn’t offer her information. He gave her an ultimatum. That is not the sort of consent a responsible Dom/me would seek from their submissive.

Fuck. This. book. It’s written in a shitty way, it’s a terrible example of a BDSM relationship (ask anybody already involved in the lifestyle and watch them go blue in the face just thinking about it), which is already faced with enough prejudice and misunderstanding, and it romanticizes and glorifies abuse.

every time I have to process this shit at work I want to deface it and tell the world that it’s propagating harmful bullshit

(Source: protest-resources)

Apr 4

The Acid Test: must read, especially if you are sub

dominantlife:

The Acid Test & Glossary

Introduction

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON. Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!” Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

The Snert

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.

Rapists and Predators

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you! Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist. ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9 “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10 “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12 “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13 “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14 “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.

Test #15 “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim. A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life D/s? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

GLOSSARY

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Domination, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal. D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant. A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate sexual encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a female sexual Dominant. See also Dom.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a D/s relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning D/s play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing.

Safe Word - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to setting up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do this!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli.

Sexual Sadist- a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it pleasurable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive. A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate sexual situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to D/s. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of D/s. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to sexual Dominance and submission.

Victim - a victim of abuse that uses D/s to “legitimize” her tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life player in D/s. Most often used in reference to females that pretend to be sexual submissives.

 
 
NOTE: The article has two conflicting copyrights
Printed with permission copyright DrSpankenstein@aol.com
&
Copyright © 2000 kalana{SC}

—-

more articles in the Library For Kinksters.

(Source: dasoloio)

passius:

passius:

passius:

passius:

(Source: libraryvixen)

Mar 6
kittensightings:

Wow, that collar is stunning.

kittensightings:

Wow, that collar is stunning.

f0x-tails:

i am a spoilt princess and this rope is also the comfiest thing on this earth bye

So cute!

f0x-tails:

i am a spoilt princess and this rope is also the comfiest thing on this earth bye

So cute!

wentworthsbitch:

diamondorloj:

vriskies:

yellow-dress:

Imagine the uproar if these kinds of pictures were shown in magazines all the time. But nobody bats a fucking eyelid when we do it to women. Everyone (men) would be up in arms about ~misandry~ and hypersexualization, but do these dudebro MRAs care that women are subjected to this type of imagery /reversed/ in our own magazines on every second goddamn page? Didn’t think so.

THAT is why these images showing the reversal is important. Dudes will cry “you won’t get people to join your cause if you respond to degradation of your gender by degrading another gender” - no, fuck you. We are sick of the constant hypersexualization, and one photoset relieving us of our plight that makes you uncomfortable is NOTHING compared to what we deal with everyday.

That reminds me so much of the uproar Marina and the Diamonds’ video to “How to be a Heartbreaker” caused. They didn’t want to show the video on American TV, because it a) apparently contained homosexual pictures (oh my God, guys showering in bathing trunks! TOGETHER!) and b) objectified men. It’s really funny how flipping the whole scantily clad women surrounding a guy around makes the audience feel awkward. And with funny I mean sexist and outrageous.

Someone please publish this i fucking love these pictures and the message.

I’m not really concerned by the above comments, I’m just really annoyed by women who are like “WELL BDSM IS BAD BECAUSE THE ONLY PHOTOS ARE OF F SUBS”

Here are some F/m photos. I’m not a fan of male submission, so this will be a rare difference. I don’t really know how picture three fits either theme (male submission OR subverting gender norms), other than that there’s a purse, but I dunno, maybe the guys here into sissification will like it?

(it’s just an aesthetic preference, I like pictures of M doms, F subs, F doms, most crossdressing and other gendered doms and subs, but not Daddies, their girls, or 99% of male subs. Males should keep on being submissive if it makes them happy, it just doesn’t do anything for me and won’t be on this tumblr)

(Source: browngurl)

How do you find and adopt a kitty?

catgirlfantasy:

Wow…this is literally the golden treasure question at the end of a rainbow. And, if there was a concrete way of doing so…I could stand to make millions of dollars in a published book, lol. Sadly, no one has that solid of an answer. But, let me give you a few pro tips from things I have seen along they way on things that DON’T work:

1. Don’t advertise non-specifics. I can’t say enough about this. We see it all the time. “Owner seeking their perfect kitty, please inbox me if you are looking for an Owner” Generics…never…work. Match-making companies have made millions off of knowing that the more specifics one give, the greater the chance of a good, if not, perfect hook-up for someone. Think about what you are advertising here. You are presenting yourself, in a kink friendly petplay community, as someone who is CAPABLE to handle a human pet. Which means you need knowledge about the type of pet you want, how to care for them, and to show training experience. You want to present yourself as a good care-taker. 

2. Don’t fake it. If you are not experienced with petplay, but perhaps do have a history in something else such as D/s dynamics, slavery, ect. and you decided you have become interested in petplay and are looking for your first pet…SAY SO. NEVER EVER pretend to be something you are NOT. We are dealing with pet humans who are typically fragile and need an Owner withstanding. It’s much better to be honest and upfront that while you have experience, petplay will be a self-disovery for you as much as your pet. Then perhaps explain your enthusiasm and maybe some of your ideas and fantasies about what you imagine you want to try within petplay/kittenplay.

3. Don’t refuse friendships. Understand not every kitten you meet is going to want you as an Owner, nor will you want every kitten as a pet. However, you need to understand that reaching out to other pets in the community makes you, for lack of a better word, acclimated. Kittens and pets get more used to seeing your name and thoughts on forums and message boards. They respond, get to know you. And may perhaps introduce you to others that you didn’t know existed. When you befriend the community, you are telling the community you are SERIOUS about being an Owner. 

4. If you act timid and weak, you will be treated as such. The posts that turn kittens off the most are always what I see on people’s statuses or journal entries…the “woe is me” attitude. They talk about how they can’t find a pet, or never will, no one will love me even though I can offer them the world, I just want to love and spoil a kitten, I need a kitten!!!! There is this constant barrage of neediness and desperation and when kittens look for Owners, they need one who is confident in themselves. This is why number 3 works so well. Focus less on the need to show, even if you are, how desperate you are to wanting a pet, and focus more on becoming someone who pets are just…drawn to. 

5. Don’t find a willing pet to talk to you and then have no plan after that. Nothing is worse than when someone puts more energy into finding a pet, than keeping one. Be prepared to answer questions about what you are looking for, how you plan to train your kitty, what excites you, what doesn’t, expectations, and what you can offer. “I want a cute kitty with cat ears on all the time who I can pet whenever I want” is NOT a suitable answer. EVER. Try to think less selfish, and more about what kinds of activities you plan to do with your new pet or potential pet. Being creative and having a plan, even if it isn’t concrete, is miles ahead of most people who put out ads for kittens. So, hey…be the diamond in the rough. 

Place I recommend are www.kittenplay.net, nice forum but a very active chat room that is nice to meet some like minded kittens and Owners that might give you some helpful advice…assuming you speak up about it!

Also Fetlife has some amazing kitty groups, some allow advertising for kitties, some don’t, but they are ALL very useful and very fun to become active in.

Hope that gets you started in the right direction!

-PK

Dec 3
If it weren’t for the ribs I’d love this.

If it weren’t for the ribs I’d love this.

(Source: breakinggag)

Not Every Aggressive, Forceful Man Is A Dom

stilinskibobinski:

This has been bugging the hell out of me ever since I tried my hand at being a submissive last summer.

Instead of running into powerful men who could make you whimper with just a steady gaze that tells you if you’re being a good girl for him or not, I ran into angry little boys who think that humiliating a female and ordering her about with rough hands or objects to whack her with and break into her skin makes them a Dom.

Guys, if you’re truly looking to be a Dom, the first thing you need to know is—whether you like it or not, your submissive is just as much of a person as you are. Their feelings matter as much, their skin is just as tender, they bleed just as quickly. These submissives are trusting you with their lives, in most instances. This is being given willingly by them, and you need to acknowledge that; a true Dom doesn’t need to order, he merely needs to request with his voice or a gesture or even a look, and if your submissive decides she wants to serve you in the ways you require, she’ll be the one to give you that control. If you need to SEIZE control of her, you’re not her rightful owner.

Submissives are the ones giving you control of them. Get that straight.

Before you embark on this journey, sit your ass down and ask her to discuss her limits—soft, and hard. Do not surprise her with a fist up her ass, or with hair pulling, or spitting, or caning. These are things that should be discussed. If you’re curious to try something, ask her if she would be okay with experimenting on it with you—DO NOT SURPRISE HER WITH IT. One stupid mistake, like inviting your friend over to watch you fucking her, or videotaping things she has no idea about, or inserting objects she has not discussed with you beforehand can ruin what could otherwise be a loving sub/dom relationship.

Please, gentleman, just as you would like your sub to be clean, we need you to shower. Please do not order a sub to lick your smelly ass if you have not properly cleansed yourself…unless that’s her little scat fetish, then you both do you.

There are just too many angry little boys out there looking to take their rage towards society/their boss/their mothers/women in general out on innocent subs, and you just ruin the whole fantasy for those of us that actually want to try it out. It’s just as bad as losing your virginity to someone who practically raped you, and—in some instances, just the fucking same as that.

Communication, understanding, respect, and honesty are key. Also, scrubbing your ass and balls, please.

This has been a public service announcement from a chick frustrated by the idea of an angry little man with a belt in his hand and some Oedipal issues he should be talking to a therapist about thinking he’s a Dom. Stop it.

Thank you.

While I’m re blogging safety stuff.

(Source: ccshugar)

Dec 4
Not my favourite picture, but I relate so much to the stretching up on her toes, flexing her bum, trying to make sure the next spot hit is just right.
I hope that doesn’t make me a bad sub.

Not my favourite picture, but I relate so much to the stretching up on her toes, flexing her bum, trying to make sure the next spot hit is just right.

I hope that doesn’t make me a bad sub.

I have a likes page...

I’m not begging or anything, especially after having neglected this blog for so long, but I have a likes page for my writing on facebook, and I’d be so grateful to anyone who liked it.

Apparently kneelbegcrawl and I are on a pink rampage. I love her makeup, and her face shape, though.

Apparently kneelbegcrawl and I are on a pink rampage. I love her makeup, and her face shape, though.

More pink!

More pink!

(Source: bondagelover)

PINK shibari? Yes!

PINK shibari? Yes!